Lucky Me

By Matt Davis – 3,464wds

This ringing in my ears has got to stop. I don’t even know what I’m doing here. My hair is soaked; my clothes are less than presentable. There’s an opening down the hall, I can hear a constant chatter coming from there. I’ll take my chances. This is interesting. A flyer on the wall to the right of the door tells me what I’m about to walk into. As I wipe away a drop of blood that just arose from my right ear, I take a step into the opening.

The humid auditorium reeks of sweat and aspirations. A gathering of people from across the region assemble in this melting pot to meet their future. Front and center, on a stage, stood a podium beaten down and tattooed with names of random men and women, where aspiring lovers stand tall and speak about themselves into the microphone. A wavy single-file line kept everyone in order as they waited their turn to put themselves in the open. Presumably, a living, breathing, classified section from the paper for local singles. This place was built for the weak and strong, the honest and the shallow. Words were spit out like pitchforks looking to stick into another lonely heart. Note-takers were many. The mood was festive, yet still dreary in a way.

“I like people who are straight forward. I am very respectful, I consider myself good to be around, and I’m very talkative .”

Endless voices were echoing in and out of my eardrums. I never found it easy to pay close attention to what was going through the microphone. The auditorium’s floor was full of talkative relationship seekers. The nervous speakers always attempted to raise their voice, eager to find that one person who was actually listening. Usually there was just one.

“I like to solve puzzles. I guess you would call me a puzzle solver. I want to explore new places. I would say that Star Trek is my favorite thing ever.”

You come to a round up like this and you’re bound to come across a few strange birds. One individual that stumbled to the microphone brought with him more words than anyone else did. He caught my attention. I gave him my ears.

“Hello everyone, this is me. I’m rather emotionally complex and intensely private. I am not a person who is easy to get to know and understand. I am extremely sensitive but disinclined to show it. I usually have a strong, immediate gut reaction to people, even though I may be unable to articulate clearly why I feel the way I do. My feelings and perceptions go deeper than words. When I commit myself to someone or something, I am totally devoted. Separations are extremely painful for me and I definitely have a fanatical streak. I am always probing beneath the surface of people and situations to discover what is really going on. If you want to know more I would be glad to talk to you about it. I’ll be standing next to the bathrooms if you want to meet me, thank you.”

I made my way back towards the bathrooms and found the man who had just spoke to the zombie like crowd. No one was around him. I suppose I was the select individual who had actually heard him out. As I mentioned earlier, usually there is just one. The man stood with his legs together and his head down. His right hand stayed hovering beneath his nose moving back and forth to relieve an itch. As I came closer his head lifted up and squinted as though I was a ray of blinding light.

“Hey, man, you know I’m probably the only person here who was listening to you.” I commented
“Well, usually there is just one. “ He sputtered back.
“Isn’t that the truth.”
“Abe.”
“I’m sorry what? “
“Abe, that’s my name. Abe. “
“Hi, Abe, I’m Devin“
“It’s Nice to meet you, Devin. Well I suppose you wanna hear my story.”
“Is that how you greet everyone? I really just want to hear what else you have to say. Not exactly your story, but I’ll take what I can get. Let’s sit down. “

We walked away from the bathrooms and found a round table with two chairs ready for our occupation. No one seemed remotely aware that Abe and I were even real. Eyes wandered all around but even as much as I tried to find someone looking at me, it was impossible.

“Well, I guess you can begin now.”
“Ok. “

He looked at me silent for ten seconds, as if he didn’t know how to begin or maybe he didn’t want to say anything at all. I felt very constrained, I really had no idea what was going through his mind. Maybe he wanted to play UNO or just practice a little extrasensory perception. Who was to know? At long last and to my astonishment he lifted his fist and threw it at me. Abe had hit me square in the nose. The pain was immense. If you punch a porcupine in the nose, they die, lucky me I just blacked out.

“Wha wha why did you do that for?! What the hell, man! “Any words running out of my mouth tripped on a strategically placed stone and stuttered out; I was down for the count. In the desolate blackness was a light, getting bigger. Passing by me were white dots that looked like falling stars. I felt as if I was dodging bullets one by one, never managing to catch one in my teeth as I always dreamt about. Then the light surrounded me and I woke up.

“You mean Pellegrini right?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, what do you think this one’s going through?”

I opened my eyes and faded in to the sight of my arm. My head was down, I looked up and I had arrived in a busy classroom. My nose itched and as the bell rang I cautiously walked out. I went to the nearest bathroom to splash cold water on my face in hopes of waking up from this pandemonium. I walked in and looked into the slightly shattered mirror to do a double take of the face I was wearing. I wasn’t my usual self; I looked different. I opened my binder to see that the notebook paper was headed with the single word ‘Abe.’ I couldn’t grasp this at first but then it hit me. I was Abe. When he had punched me, or I suppose now, when I punched me, I had forced myself to live out a sliver of Abe’s life.

I can’t explain exactly how I knew where to go from the bathroom. I was just a passenger sitting behind Abe’s pearly white eyes. I wasn’t holding the steering wheel, the autopilot was engaged and I went to the lunchroom and sat at my table. Shortly there after, I found myself curious about the small things that made up the trip from the bathroom. Topping the list was my curiosity of mine and Abe’s last name. I couldn’t find it anywhere in this damned notebook. If I’m going to be walking around in his shoes, I think I should know his whole name.

I finally collected myself and looked around. Sitting across from me were a pair of eyes that calmed me right down. The eyes slid around flawlessly; they only looked down when they caught me gazing straight at them in a perplexed daze. Her name was Liv, apparently Abe knew this. Liv had long brown hair and a personality that radiated desire. Liv sat there outlining a silhouette of Audrey Hepburn lavishing a diamond necklace at Tiffany’s and I was sure to find her wings hidden behind her shoulders. In the coming days, following my gut instinct, I put on my running shoes and ran after her.

I managed to talk to her quite a bit. We had two classes together and lunch so I jumped at the chance to talk to her. Once I was completely sure that Liv was everything I ever wanted; I wrote her a love letter, a note in which spelled out my feelings to the very last syllable. Trying frantically to hide my nervous shaking, I gave it to her before school was out for the day. When I got to my house, I sat down on my green couch and reflected on the day that passed as I did everyday. My thoughts juggled apples cautiously, dropping off one at a time, and they soon ran out on me, leaving me alone and open-minded.

The following month of my semi-charmed existence was an epic journey of ups and downs. My pursuit of happiness in Liv did not turn out as I had planned. Liv was not allowed to date. Her parents’ religious beliefs were the final word in this case. I never imagined that this would be the case. Life had spooned out my heart, and for the time being I was crushed inside. The rest of the day was spent feeling sorry for myself. The fact that I was wrong about something I felt so strongly for was very degrading. Life itself had thrown me overboard without a life preserver. I couldn’t sleep well that night and it didn’t help that I can still hear random voices from time to time in my dreams. I wonder if Abe had to deal with this.

“Hey, it moved.”
“Is that what we’re calling it now?”
“Apparently it is.”

In the week following, to my surprise, another pitch was thrown at me. Another girl, named Cameille, found sanctuary in my presence. Cameille had the same intoxication with me that I had with Liv. Meanwhile, in my plateau of a mind, I sought the attention of another girl named Creola. So, it began.

“Hey, you wanna hangout Saturday, maybe watch a movie at my house?” Cameille said the magic words. It was a walk in the park from there on out.
“Yeah, sure.”

All right! A girl asked me to go to her house. As childish as it was, I was excited. Yet I didn’t want it to ruin any chances with Creola. That’s where the problem came in. Cameille and Creola were good friends. Cameille was sure to talk about her new guy friend Abe. I wasn’t too peachy about the whole situation but I played it by ear. Movie night at Cameille’s was a success. I have to admit, I am getting acquainted with my new role as Abe.

In the following weeks Cameille and I got together numerous times but when I was with my other friends, I hardly said a word about Cameille and me hanging out. The day came where I would proclaim my true feelings about Cameille. I had to. I was put in the place of Liv. I was now the one to say ‘this isn’t gonna work out’. I didn’t like this at all. The final night, Cameille and I were at the park. Sitting in her car, zero hour came and I settled the differences I had with my own conscious and conceded to fate.

“Hey, can I talk to you about something.” I sent the invitation for the Heartbreaker’s Ball out to Cameille.
“I think I know what this is about.”
“Ok. See, I don’t really have any true feelings for you and I can’t go out with someone I don’t care for deeply.”

Silence occurred. Two joggers in my head chit chatted with me.

“Ah, that was a bad move man.” One jogger implied, followed soon by the other.
“Yeah it was. You just dug yourself a hole, man.”

“Oh my God, what have I done?” I fought with my conscience for the indefinite silence that lingered inside Cameille’s black car, black as my apparent lack of affection. Cameille, then, finally spoke up. Tears rolled down her cheeks to flood the ridge above her soft lips.

“I knew you didn’t like me. Like when I noticed you never talked to me at school and you always act as if we don’t know each other whenever Creola is around us.” She sniffled frantically. “Ugh, I knew this was gonna happen.”

I felt extremely bad. Who was I to reject someone who cared for me? I had complained all year about how little luck I had and when the opportunity for success arose, I shrugged my shoulders and walked away. Silly me for being the same person I’ve always been.

“I just hope we can be friends…..” I made a futile attempt to spare myself.
“Yeah.” Cameille was out of it. Fed up with me, pissed off, and ready to serve up some hate. Awkward was the theme in the week to come. Interaction between Cameille and me was hard to come by and for the most part, non-existent. But was this a bad thing?

True, Cameille hated me. So, with my positive mood, I gladly accepted Cameille’s violent and most likely warranted response as the first step to getting Creola. Similar to my tribulation with Liv, I gave Creola my feelings in words. Creola was less than enthusiastic and not even sure of what she wanted. I could sense it. Yet, she took the time to fulfill my dreams. I must say it was great spending time with Creola. I couldn’t see anything I didn’t like about her. One night at Creola’s house we were alone. We wandered into each other’s eyes all night. Then Creola made the move. We kissed for what seemed like eternity. It was everything I wanted. We made out two more times. I was already supposed to be gone hours before but I didn’t want it to end. This single event, perhaps the one memory I may cherish for the rest of my life. Everything was right.

I walked from Creola’s doorstep with a smile. From Orange County to Wall Street, I smiled. I walked calmly and never looked back until I reached her street corner. Then I ran. Excitement and joy rushed through my body like an avalanche. I skipped, jumped, hollered, you name it. The happiness had to be released somehow.

The next night, Creola talked to me over the Internet

“Hey, Abe.”
“Hi. What’s up?” I expected nothing out of the ordinary.
“What the hell happened last night?” This hit me hard. I knew anything after this would spell the end of my reverie and even if it didn’t, she was there, how can she ask this.
“Well, we made out. You were there.” I was confused. At that moment, I felt Creola spray painting a bull’s eye on my heart.
“Well, I’m sorry if I led you on.” She shot her arrow. Bull’s-eye. I typed no response. It was too hard to find something to say, and I wasn’t going to try. The fact of the matter is I’d spend the rest of my life with Creola, still she didn’t feel the same way. I did the only thing that came naturally. I cried. I fell asleep for a while. The voices came.

“Is this supposed to happen?”
“What?”
“Look at the eyes. Tears. Are tears supposed to happen?”
“In this state, I’m not sure.”

I was then driven to depression. Nothing mattered anymore. Paradise was lost and I was just hoping and dreaming that sometime soon a wayward ship would sail to my life raft in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. The life raft was, of course, leaking air every minute, every second. The story was hopeless for me. Too many role reversals. First, it was Liv delivering the bad news. Then Cameille got the treatment from me. Then, to set me straight, I got a taste of my own poison when Creola threw me off the cruise ship. Maybe at that point I didn’t even deserve to hear the words of rejection vis a vis. What did I deserve?

Constant words littering my vision were beginning to become annoying. Conscious and awake this time, I could hear multiple voices as I lay in my bed in the pitch-black darkness.

“I can’t go out with you.”
“You’re so selfish.”
“I hate you.”
“I can’t stand you.”

Sometimes I wonder if I should just stop. Stop it all. It was stormy that night. I went outside in my boxers, shirtless. The pouring rain came down like bombs dropped from a World War II plane. I stood there soaked, letting my hair run down, my body shivered. It didn’t matter. It all made sense now and I wouldn’t have feeling for very much longer anyway. I went inside. I sat down in silence looking dead ahead and shivering lightly. My hands remained grounded; my body was slumped as if I were a corpse. My right hand lifted to my head. A pistol cradled between my palm and index finger had joined the lonely hearts club. This was Abe’s clandestine departure. My head turned to look down the barrel of the gun. All systems go. Then I looked back forward. The last sound I could hear was the ocean; the penultimate image. So tranquil, the sand took a walk between my toes and the breeze hit me just right. But it was no seashell hovering behind my temple. I pulled the trigger. It was over.

“Do we have a name?”
“Not yet.”
“Let’s get in touch with anybody he knew. How many bullets did he get off?”
“Just one, sir.”
“Hmm. Usually it is, just one.”

Wait. Why can I still hear voices?

“Devin…Devin?” A voice in the distant reality
“Devin? Are you awake, can you hear me?”
“We’re trying to revive him. He’s been under for a three weeks; Comatose.”
“Ugh..What? What the hell happened? Where am I?” I, Devin, was confused.
“It’s all right; you’re at Staley Medical Center. You almost killed yourself. Maybe next time you can keep a more firm grip eh? Welcome back.”

“Wait, what do you mean?”
“Well, you pulled out a gun and fired it; attempted suicide, luckily you just missed your brain. A lot of people have been in and out of here pulling for you. ”
“Yeah, lucky me. I see your name tag says Abe. That’s interesting because I had this wild dream and my name was Abe.”
“That’s interesting.”
“Definitely; hey, what’s your last name?”
“Well, that is my last name.”
“Oh. I heard your voice too. And another guy’s voice also.”
“Seems unlikely but that’s interesting too.”

As I lay in the hospital bed it takes me a minute to see past my hands in front of me, my own hands. Figures slowly come into view. From left to right I see Liv, Cameille, and Creola. I had seen them before but now it was different. Looking at them I was thinking to myself, “I was denied by your parents, I rejected you, and you broke my heart.” I was in a position where something had to be said but I didn’t know whether it was supposed to be an apology or an insult. Someone else took the words right out of my mouth.

“Devin! We missed you so much! We were so scared! All of your friends from school signed this card and we had a moment of silence for you! You shouldn’t have scared us like that! We all care for you!” Cameille was the one to voice her concern, Cameille of all people. Liv and Creola soon spoke out as well.

Was the animosity all in my head? Is it possible that life really wasn’t that bad? Maybe I just needed someone to walk up to me and say, “Listen, these are great days we’re living, man. And in two years, I promise you, you’re going to miss it.” I wish that person would have walked up to me then. It’s obvious now that everyone one was digging for treasure that year and all of our knees were dirty. When everybody is digging a hole the dirt has to go somewhere. It was only a matter of time before it turned up in someone else’s space. Did anyone actually find what they were looking for? Absolutely, but not before a little pushing, shoving, laughing, crying, forgiving, driving, wishing, hating, loving, holding, taking, and breaking.

I can’t say that yesterday made me stronger.. But today. Today means never holding back, staying true. Today means that you’re breathing and someone somewhere is looking for you and missing your laugh. Today means we made it and the road here was something else. With any luck, tomorrow will take you to even greater heights and it may even be the best day ever. Well, top five at least.