The Wallet

by Matt Davis

I

“It just bothers me.. you know?”
“Maybe.”
“What pushed us apart is the one thing I have no control over.”
“Wait, I can’t believe it, are you being serious for once?”
“Hey, come on, try to help me out here.. I just thought there was something more.”
“Ah yes, angst at its finest. You could learn a few things from Dawson’s Creek.. I love that show.”
“You’re probably right.. I think I’ll be okay though..”

II

“Downtown is awesome and so is walking.. downtown.”
“Yeah.. except for when creepy guys walk up and ask for your money.. like right now..”
“Ehh, this should be interesting.”
“Hey, boys. It’s a beautiful night huh? Can you spare an old man some change?”
“You’re like 28 years old.”
“And you smell like beer.. and chips.”
“Now listen here, you’re going to give me your wallet and you’re going to give it to me now.. Because I’ve got a knife and I.. I likes to cut people!”
“Hah.. he said, “I likes to cut people.”
“Dude, he has a knife, can you just be serious right now.”
“Be serious? Maybe.. I mean, yeah.. but I likes to cut people too.. and I likes the Mandy Moore.”
“What does that even mean..”

III

“Hey! I’m in a hurry!”
“Alright, fine, here’s my wallet..”
“Now, you see I’m only taking this wallet because it’s stolen.”
“I’ve had that wallet since I was like 5.”
“You’re lyin’ boy! If it’s yours then tell me how much money is in it.. and what kind of bills.. yeah, do that! “
“There’s fifty-four dollars in there.. one twenty-dollar bill, two ten-dollar bills, a five-dollar bill, and nine ones.”
“Dude, why do you know that?”
“I don’t know actually.. I saw this guy do it in a movie once during a heist.. so I always keep track of what I have..”
“You’ve been waiting to say that all day haven’t you.. I bet you’ve dreamt about this moment.. and who carries a wallet during a heist?”
“Listen, that makes no difference to me.. this wallet is mine!”
“Yesss.. see that cop? He’s on his way over here.. so you should give me my wallet.. Duff Man.”
“Aye, you’re lucky this time..”

IV

“Man, that guy can run pretty fast..”
“Yeah..”
“Sweet, that cop is heading over here.. gotta love a man in uniform..”
“Are you still talking..”
“Hey, is everything alright here?”
“Yeah, this bum just tried to stiff my friend here out of his G.I. Joe wallet.. “
“Whoa.. stop everything.. you’re not a cop..”
“Now why would you say a thing like that..”
“Cops don’t wear glitter.. or ass-less chaps.. and they don’t carry whips.”
“Whoa dude.. you had to have looked to know that..”
“It just happened, dude.. my eyes, they wonder.”
“Well I don’t see what the problem is.. but you.. can call me.. whatever.. you. want.. besides the night is still young, boys!”
“Oh.. and what a beautiful night it is..”

V

“Man, we’re running pretty fast..”
“Quit saying that..”